16/52 (A POST ON LEARNING TO WAIT)

16/52

The past year of my life has had its challenges. Being in a long distance relationship and trying to land my first job after college were two of the big ones. It's a big, wide world out there, but I was trying to find a job in just one little piece of it. That was the hard part. 

I didn't really start to worry too much about the job hunt until my second semester. By that time, a quite few of my friends had landed jobs at big corporations or had accepted positions at places they had interned. And there I was, looking for entry-level positions in a place where I knew only one person, and as I searched we were 500 miles apart. I applied, and applied, and applied. I sent my application out to places I was overqualified to work for, even as a new college grad, and plenty of places that were reaches. I emailed, I cold called, I followed up with anyone I ever knew who had a job or connection or family member in Chapel Hill. I promised myself, and Brandon, that I would definitely be employed by April. And when April rolled around, I promised myself, and started pleading with God, to be employed by graduation. 

When graduation rolled around and I found myself with no job yet, I was deeply unhappy. This job, wherever it would be, was in my mind the key to all of the pieces of my life that I wanted to fall into place. I started shopping for professional outfits I could wear to work. I browsed apartments online and thought about if I'd want a roommate. I looked at cars to see which ones would be in my price range. But none of that could move forward without the job. And the pressure of that fact grew larger and larger until the pressure of it nearly broke me. 

Vanderbilt is not an easy university to graduate from without knowing what is next for you. I know Vanderbilt graduates whose first job was at Time magazine, others who started making $80,000 a year the summer after they graduated. I felt like a failure going home after graduation. I was ready for my life to start, and I was mad at God for making me wait, for what felt like humiliation every time I had to tell someone (which was very frequently) "I'm not totally sure what's next for me." 

This past year and through all of the trials that I went through, I met with a girl named Molly every Thursday morning to catch up on life and study God's word. One scripture that she introduced me to, and that we studied together, was Psalm 27. It struck me as we studied this passage that my "one desire, the one thing that I seek" (v.4) was not the Lord, or to be in His presence. It was to have life move at the pace I desired, and to go the direction I desired. In so many areas of my life, I was finding it so hard to want that more than anything. 

"Wait for the Lord, be strong and courageous, wait for the Lord." (v. 14) 

But most of all, I was bad at the waiting. I felt like I had been waiting an eternity. I remember one night in particular, after I had come home from a trip to Chapel Hill for a few job interviews in May, when I got the call that I hadn't gotten a job. They had picked someone else. I think that that was my lowest point. My self-esteem, my self-worth, my identity were all so tightly wrapped up in that one person saying "Yes", that I found myself crying in my room, pleading with God to have mercy on me. To just deliver me already out of the loneliness of being home and being unemployed. I had made the ultimate mistake. As Beth Moore puts it, I had given "people the kind of power that only God should yield" over me. And at this point, I reached a point of total surrender where I was able to say, "Not my will, but yours be done."

"Wait for the Lord, be strong and courageous, wait for the Lord."

Well, I didn't wake up the next day with a job offer. Or the next day, or the next day. In fact, after this point, after my complete and total surrender to exhaustion, I went through what could have been the most personal rejections of the whole process. But in that place of surrender, of realizing that my identity was not in fact in what job I held, or who I was dating, or where I was living, or how many times people asked me "what was next for me", that I was able to withstand it, and be ok with the fact that if I could see what was happening and where I was being led from His perspective, I wouldn't be so dismayed. 

The day before I left from Chapel Hill at the beginning of June for another round of interviews, I got unexpectedly sick. I was supposed to have an interview that morning, and luckily, they were able to push it back to the morning before I left. Normally, that type of thing is frowned upon and I knew it probably wasn't scoring me any points, but I couldn't help it. And the interview went really well when I did finally get to go in. I ended up doing some very unusual personality testing for them, and waited all week to hear back from someone at the company. They called, and we set up a video interview for this week. Even though I was miles away in Orlando, they wanted to meet with me. Usually, not living in the area didn't score you any points either, this I knew from experience. And then the video interview went really well. 

That afternoon, they called and said, "We didn't want to make you wait. We'd love to offer you the position."

Wait for the Lord, be strong and courageous, wait for the Lord. 

Out of all of the jobs that I applied to, I know that God had this one picked out for me. He was the one who delivered it to me. This company wasn't even one I had heard of until they reached out to me through Linkedin. And I was so humbled knowing that all of the glory and the praise for landing this job did not belong to me at all, but to the one who is the good giver of ALL things. 

Writing these words, I breathe deeply, knowing that once again, my Savior has proved more faithful that I gave Him credit for, and that He has delivered to me something much better than what I could have achieved on my own terms. 

"I believe that I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord, be strong and courageous, wait for the Lord." 

Thanks for letting me share my heart a little bit today, friends.

Lots of love,

Abby